My kids from the orphanage

Eun Eh and Sister Thomas
Oojin
Young Min (grandfather)
Won Joon
Q Won

Yucky Yucky

I never go for dinner with my school anymore (due to the raw fishy that is a favorite), so I jumped at the chance of a free dinner when I was told we were going to a beef bbq restaurant. I love the pork bbq (absolutely Korea's best thing), and figured beef would be good too.

Yes, the word figured is a bit of foreshadowing...

Not long after arriving, we were presented with cow stomach (which you could smell before its arrival, think wet dog) and raw meat of some kind. The teachers were not sure whether is was liver, heart or kidney. The smell was so strong I almost vomitted.

The actual beef on the bbq did not even taste like beef as we know it, I don't know what they feed their cows here...

Needless to say, no more school dinners for me!

Crazy Town

I have never encountered another noun that drives me round the bend like Korea does!

Just when you think you have got it under control, WHOOSH! and oops you don't. I think I have actually gotten used to falling down in the bathroom on a regular basis; I come walking around the corner and go flying because the way to clean the bathrooms in Korea is to flood them with an inch of water. I am also used to going to dry my hands on a towel that I brought from home (because in Korea there is never anything to dry your hands with, or wash with) and finding it sopping wet and black because it was used to clean the floor. I bring my own lunch now due to the unedibles in the cafeteria. I have made many adjustments, but no matter how much I bend and twist, I can never get to the level of illogicalness that is every day life in Korea.
I once had a disaggreement over logic. Someone tried to tell me that logic is in the eye of the beholder. Wrong. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, common sense is sometimes not all that common, but logic is logic.
It is not logical to be expected to walk thorough the halls quietly to the English room (lest the new English room be disposed of and teachers will go back to going to each of the classes), but not to computer, music, art, or physical education classes.
It is not logical to hose down the bathroom, and to soak the only dry thing in the bathroom (which incidently is used wipe/dry); the toilet paper!
Now, my favorite aggrivation thus far happened yesterday. My new positive reinforcement idea is rewarding the children for good behaviour by giving them a chance to win a lunch at MacDonald's with me. I ran it by my perfectly speaking English co teacher first to see if it was a good idea. "Oh, Yes!" she replied. So, for three weeks I have been explaining/reminding/ and giving out ballads for a chance to win. Now, I even have two perfectly speaking English co teachers, so one or the other has been in class with me for the past three weeks helping to explain and translate this idea of me taking them to MacDonald's for a special lunch.
Out of the blue ( there is never a lack of out of the blue occurences here) yesterday, in the middle of clarifying to the grade fours how things would go down, my co teacher says " You can't take them to MacDonald's for lunch".
"I'm sorry...what?!" I got that sinking feeling in my stomach again of anger boiling up.
No, they are not allowed to leave the school during lunch hour. Oh really? Well that is super fine, sure no problem, totally understandable, BUT YOU COULD NOT HAVE TOLD ME THAT THREE WEEKS AGO????????
How does one sit there day after day, and there are two different teachers who have done the same thing, each day helping to explain how I would take them to MacDonald's for a special lunch, knowing that I cannot take them there, and not saying anything?????
It blows my mind! I am at such a high stress level that I almost told her she and everyone here is crazy and I can't live here!
Instead, I sat down for a second with my head in my hands and made alternate arrangments. One might say, "Nancy, why do you get so stressed and angry if you know Korea is like this?" I would answer that one can never be sure of the rules or when the craziness is going to strike. You can go through all the scenarios in your head, ask permission, have discussions, make your feelings known, and then surprise, there is always something popping up. You can ask for something ten times, and be told yes each time, and each time you don't get it.
A really funny one is that the curriculum is on CD Rom, but the English room has a new computer system that is not compatible with the CD, and only half of it works. My friend does not even have a computer, but is playing the CD on a CD player!
I only have four months of teaching left thank God!!!!! I am concerned about my stress levels because I was awakend tonight at 3:00am feeling terrible stress. I even had a venting session with some friends tonight which was fun, we laughed, ate pizza and birthday cake, but still I woke up burdened.
I want to not care, to let go, go go go with the flow, I do try I really do. I think positive, I laugh at many many things, but still the stress comes. And the anger! I have been pushed to limits here that I have never been pushed to in my life. Thankfully, many many teachers say the same thing!
I woke up thinking I needed to go for a run or something to get the stress out. Now you know it is serious if I am contemplating excercise!! Of course talking and writing always helps and I renew my vow to really chill. I keep reminding myself about the money, ching ching, and that it is not long now before I can escape!
Universe, please hear me and help me be peaceful and come out of Korea with my head still attached to my body!

Finally More Pictures...

This is me and my excellent surf teacher.






We came across this man while out for a boat ride. He was kind enough to give Rocky some of his fish.


The most delicious food for $1.50 USD
Me and Ketut

Dreamland; excellently and appropriately named

Gratitude

Sometimes when I awake, whether it is in the middle of the night (like now) , or after a long nap, my brain is in it's most vulnerable state. All that I know, and all that I have learned is threatened during these times. Worries creep around in my mind, doubts that I have swatted away linger, and somehow my greatest fears, those which I have made peace with with in the light of day, rise to the surface.
So, rather than sit here and entertain these thoughts, I've decided to combat them with happy ones.

Today I am grateful for:

my warm apartment

red and pink roses

books

my wonderful parents

good friends

the children at the orphange

sister thomas

having money

beauty

ability to laugh

special blanket

Bailey

Bali

daily episodes!

warm cups of tea

losing kgs

grade threes

the secret

travelling

being a teacher

summer is on the way

my journey

my mistakes

strawberries and bananas

fondue

being Canadian

my health

Taylor

my sister being happy

making connections

speaking French

Korean bbq

I am grateful for being a warm generous spirit, loving and giving. I am grateful for being able to thrive in my life and step into myself. I am grateful for being beautiful on the inside and outside. I am grateful for being able to see and admit my mistakes and take responsibility for them. I am grateful for my ability to see the silver lining and to always turn my face towards the sun. I am grateful for being able to open myself to new things and to let go of things that no longer serve me. I am grateful that I respect myself and take care of myself. I am grateful for my humour and ability to laugh at myself. I am grateful for my passion, enthusiasm and creativity. I am grateful for my gift with children. I am grateful for my gift of communication and desire to help. I am grateful for my doubts because they allow me to remind myself of all that is truly wonderous in this world.

Joy and Abundance

It is true that "what you see is what you get". If I see pain and problems, that is what I receive. If I see love and happiness, that is also what I receive.
Serendipity is one of my favorite words. It means "phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for" (thank you Webster's). Since stepping foot in Bali, there seems to have been a landslide of serendipitous events, both while I was there and after returning to Korea.
Upon closer examination, it was not serendipty at all, but rather me who changed what I was seeing and better yet, what I was looking for; great connections with healthy people, letters and notes from those who value me (thank you Alexis, Erinn, Taylor, Krista T. and Nikah) random acts of kindness everywhere , and I may even have met an angel...
A change has been brewing in me for awhile and until I was able to clear the cobwebs, I could not fully grasp it. Those cobwebs are banished! They were washed out to sea while I was whizzing along on my surfboard. The old bags have been packed and sent on a one way ticket to "not my problem anymore!"
After clearing some clutter from my life, I can see the road ahead is filled with joy and abundance, and I am running arms open, headlong into it.

Sadness

I am feeling teary tonight, not entirely sure what it is about, have been feeling emotional since Bali. I think I am more willing to let myself experience my feelings now, after being there. I am tired of pulling away from people, tired of feeling lonely, and tired of repairing the cracks in my walls; I want to take them down.

I am so sad about the loss of a recent friendship. I know it is the right thing for me because staying in it was not good for me, but I still feel sad. I also have a lot of anger swirling around inside of me. Tonight it comes out in tears.

I have been isolating myself lately (when not on vacation) because our community is a small one and I don’t want to spend time with the person I have let go. She seems to be everywhere. It is my choice not to participate in these outings, but I am starting to feel alone. It seems as though each person here is our mutual friend, and that makes it difficult to share feelings and talk about my hurts. I don’t feel comfortable.
Being in this little community makes me feel as though I am back in high school again, a recurring theme in my life. I don’t enjoy big groups, or tea for 20! I prefer more intimate gatherings, and gatherings of like minds.
I have five more months here until I can escape to something I like better. I can’t wait. I don’t feel connected here. Maybe I have not felt connected anywhere for a long time. I have arranged it that way, I know. I have a couple of people I feel close to. If truth be told, I really am not comfortable breaking down in front of anyone but my mom.
I have been feeling really sad since returning from Bali. When I was there I felt safe and comfortable and cared for. I don’t feel like that in Korea. I had great conversations, and I opened myself up and asked a million questions. I was so happy! I felt beautiful and confident and capable. And those feelings were reflected back to me.
If I look back on the friendship that is lost, it has not been a supportive friendship for a long time now. I am tired of giving out all the love I have, but feeling empty myself. There are all these rules that I don’t understand, don’t reveal too much of yourself, don’t be too intense, be nice, blah blah. I don’t know how to get angry and make a point without alienating the other person. Every time I think I know how to stand up for myself, I get caught up in the situation and forget. I don’t realize until I am so angry that I cannot see straight.
My first instinct after the end of the friendship was to run back to the caves and hide from any kind of relationship. They are too hard! I felt obviously flawed and exasperated yet again.
I can’t believe that I have to go to a tropical island to find myself, or to be happy. Isn’t that everyone’s dream? “That’s not real life,” I keep telling myself. Is that my inner critic that keeps me from grabbing onto good things and truly being happy? I have long held the belief that I have to “make do”, that what I have is good enough, and have been conditioned not to reach for more. So, I stay in friendships/relationships longer than I should, start ones that I have no business starting, dismiss those that would probably benefit me, keep jobs that I hate, deprive myself of certain things and use food for solace. No more! I don’t want to do it any more.
When something is ingrained in you it is hard to get rid of it. I have come a long way, and do realize that I come first, I must do what is good for me, I am worth it, etc., but sometimes, like tonight, when my defences are down, that voice is loud and clear inside of me.

Whether it is from writing or the walls, the tears have stopped and I am left only feeling tired. My cup of comfort tea has gone cold and my special blanket beckons. Sleep is another one of my escapes and one I slide into willing tonight.

Adventures in Bali Part 1

Mixed in with relaxation, massages, and delicious meals, were surfing, a boat ride and a few motorcycle crashes!
My friend and I rented brand new Honda automatic motorbike/scooter vehicles to get us around our tropical paradise. Now, you must know that said friend has a scooter and is well equipped to drive one. I on the other hand, have never driven one. Well, no matter, I have driven quad bikes recently, surely that qualifies me...right?
Uh, no. I did not even make it out of the driveway (which by the way was covered in white rocky gravel and apparently, unbeknownst to me, dangerous to scooter riders)! Heading around the turn to take me up and out the the driveway, the bike slipped right out from underneath me and sent me toppling to the ground. I got a nice elbow gash and freaked out Katut, our new friend working at the bungalows. I am sure he was concerned about letting this inexperienced tourist take off to wreak havoc on the island!
No big deal (as my dad always says), I went on my merry way, usually driving only around 20kms. So what, I was having fun! The following few days brought about minor follies, a bump into a knee high wall, causing a severe neck spin, and a little "tip over" on the hill at the other end of the driveway. The best was yet to come. Crash-wise I mean.
One evening I decided to pass the hour before dinner with a little bike practice. I really thought I was getting better, more steady, able to go 30-35kms now. Maybe my over confidence or still my lack of experience was the cause of my final crash. As I slowly stopped on the incline at the end of the driveway leading onto the road, I tried not to hesitate as I usually did, but in doing so, gave too much gas, shooting myself straight into the middle of the road! I of course then panicked, and fell. Mother of god that sucked!
I re-opened and added to the lovely gash on my elbow, got a skinned knee, several bruises on my legs and a damaged foot where the full weight bike landed. Thankfully, two kindly fellas stopped and one took my bike back to the bungalows while the other entertained me of his own crashes on these silly, gas sensitive vehicles! Two other guests arrived at the same time and drove me back down and gave me stuff for my cuts and bruises.
I put on the brave face on the road, but once I got back to my little paradise, I burst into tears! I think I was in a bit of a shock, but moments after rinsing the blood off of my favorite dress, I hauled out the camera to capture the moment! I will try to post it on here.
Needless to say, I returned the bike the following day and caught rides on the back of my friend's bike. I was a little rocked, but not seriously hurt, and despite my mishaps, I will ride one again. It was too much fun not too ;)

Bali

While Oz was full of physical beauty and adventures, Bali offered me a different key, allowing me to unlock corners of myself that have been gathering dust for awhile.

Even though I arrived at 4am, sans my travelling partner (who accidently missed the plane), I felt an immediate comfortable peaceful feeling in Bali. My first accomodations in Kuta are set in the heart of city where tourists mix with locals, unlike in Cuba where the locals are shipped off of the island resort after their shifts are finished.

The staff at the hotel became friends and I felt at home in their family-like atmosphere. The people of Bali remind me of Kenyans in that they are open, warm, gregarious and happy. After various challenges lately, I basked in every kindness I was offered.

Life in Bali is slow, and one must be patient. Ha! I know what you are thinking... but I was patient believe it or not. Those little character books with Miss Nosey, Mr. Bossy, well, Miss Impatient could be written about me. However, I allowed myself to be swept up in island life and revelled in the moment.

After a few days in Kuta (my travelling friend arrived one day late :) ) we went on to discover a quieter place on the island. While I appreciated the bustling city, the noise and constant bombardment of vendors wanting you to buy things got a little aggrivating, and I was eager to preserve my newfound peacefullness!

Our friends at the hotel took us to several different places before we settled on a group of bungalows, nesteled in our own personal paradise overlooking the ocean.

It was here that I flourished. How could I not?

I let go of things that no longer served me and dove head first into all that awaited.