Sadness

I am feeling teary tonight, not entirely sure what it is about, have been feeling emotional since Bali. I think I am more willing to let myself experience my feelings now, after being there. I am tired of pulling away from people, tired of feeling lonely, and tired of repairing the cracks in my walls; I want to take them down.

I am so sad about the loss of a recent friendship. I know it is the right thing for me because staying in it was not good for me, but I still feel sad. I also have a lot of anger swirling around inside of me. Tonight it comes out in tears.

I have been isolating myself lately (when not on vacation) because our community is a small one and I don’t want to spend time with the person I have let go. She seems to be everywhere. It is my choice not to participate in these outings, but I am starting to feel alone. It seems as though each person here is our mutual friend, and that makes it difficult to share feelings and talk about my hurts. I don’t feel comfortable.
Being in this little community makes me feel as though I am back in high school again, a recurring theme in my life. I don’t enjoy big groups, or tea for 20! I prefer more intimate gatherings, and gatherings of like minds.
I have five more months here until I can escape to something I like better. I can’t wait. I don’t feel connected here. Maybe I have not felt connected anywhere for a long time. I have arranged it that way, I know. I have a couple of people I feel close to. If truth be told, I really am not comfortable breaking down in front of anyone but my mom.
I have been feeling really sad since returning from Bali. When I was there I felt safe and comfortable and cared for. I don’t feel like that in Korea. I had great conversations, and I opened myself up and asked a million questions. I was so happy! I felt beautiful and confident and capable. And those feelings were reflected back to me.
If I look back on the friendship that is lost, it has not been a supportive friendship for a long time now. I am tired of giving out all the love I have, but feeling empty myself. There are all these rules that I don’t understand, don’t reveal too much of yourself, don’t be too intense, be nice, blah blah. I don’t know how to get angry and make a point without alienating the other person. Every time I think I know how to stand up for myself, I get caught up in the situation and forget. I don’t realize until I am so angry that I cannot see straight.
My first instinct after the end of the friendship was to run back to the caves and hide from any kind of relationship. They are too hard! I felt obviously flawed and exasperated yet again.
I can’t believe that I have to go to a tropical island to find myself, or to be happy. Isn’t that everyone’s dream? “That’s not real life,” I keep telling myself. Is that my inner critic that keeps me from grabbing onto good things and truly being happy? I have long held the belief that I have to “make do”, that what I have is good enough, and have been conditioned not to reach for more. So, I stay in friendships/relationships longer than I should, start ones that I have no business starting, dismiss those that would probably benefit me, keep jobs that I hate, deprive myself of certain things and use food for solace. No more! I don’t want to do it any more.
When something is ingrained in you it is hard to get rid of it. I have come a long way, and do realize that I come first, I must do what is good for me, I am worth it, etc., but sometimes, like tonight, when my defences are down, that voice is loud and clear inside of me.

Whether it is from writing or the walls, the tears have stopped and I am left only feeling tired. My cup of comfort tea has gone cold and my special blanket beckons. Sleep is another one of my escapes and one I slide into willing tonight.