Not an excuse

Everybody knows I don't like it here in Korea; it's no secret. I have listed many reasons and expressed in different posts my feelings on the challenges I've experienced. Lately it seems the days can't pass fast enough. I've run out of interesting things to eat (a limited supply to begin with), I have almost used up all of the positivity I can muster at school since M and I had the big blow up, I seem to be getting more tired with each passing day, and have rather close to no tolerance for anything. Yesterday I got a glimpse of myself, and I didn't like what I saw.

I'm angry, at almost everything it seems, short tempered, very quick to lose my cool (something that almost never happened in my previous life), and cranky too often. My positive, happy go lucky self that returned from Ontario, has taken cover, and this new person has emerged. I spend a lot of time justifying to myself why I don't like it here, why people bug me, etc. It is as if I am drawn to keep myself in the muck and mire. I know I will face a barrage of questions when I get home about my reasons for my dislike of this country, and I tell myself I am mentally preparing my answers.

I am still so hurt and angry about the demise of a friendship. I can't seem to let it go to a peaceful place. I feel as though that experience knocked me off of my mountain of security and self confidence that had taken so long to build.

This is what is swirling around in my newly coloured red head.

My experience here is no excuse to give up on the kids, snap at genuinely nice people, or paint my judgements on a wall for all to see.

Being hurt by others is no excuse to build walls and look down my nose at those I don't understand.

It is no excuse to give up, to check out, to throw in the towel.

I am thankful for the glimpse I had yesterday, but more thankful for the one I had this morning.