Thinking

I have been thinking a lot this week; about various things. Hard to say what started it, but I believe it began the night of working in the orphanage. I had been tired and grumpy that day. Little things going wrong and getting on my nerves. I was quite frustrated by the the time I arrived at Marnie's to be picked up to go see the kids.

Of course my bad mood did not last long. How could it? Those cuties chased away all my scary monsters, for the evening anyway. I left feeling happy and purposeful, the latter being something I hadn't felt much of lately.

I am here to teach, but many times I do not feel as though I am actually teaching the children. I entertain them, usually, that's easy. However, what I believe to be teaching does not match what Koreans believe to be teaching. I have kept a positive attitude and tried to find ways to implement my ideas into the lessons, with some success. "Well that's great Nancy", you say. But on the whole, I am not feeling like a teacher.

It is important to me to try and live my beliefs, to meander through life guided by my values, and I apply that to my teaching. I find it very challenging to do that here. Maybe this is part of being a new teacher, maybe I haven't found my way yet. I imagined that I would be wildly successful, teaching enriching lessons, being appreciated for my gifts, and that I would stand confident in my shoes. Instead, I often feel that I have to put my true self on the back burner in order to be successful. She comes out here and there, sometimes well received, other times, not so much. Usually I just go along with the positive attitude, but I suppose it has been getting me down this week.

I try to keep my focus on the children, I tell myself that is what is important. I have been sitting with groups of kids outside at lunch chatting, joining in in thier games. Today I left my office and went outside around 4pm (probably not supposed to do this)and talked with a few kids while watching others play soccer. It was great. It is difficult to connect with the students when I only teach them once every two weeks. The relationship you have with your kids is vital to a teacher. I have been missing that connection and connections in general.

I do have at least one ally at school, who believes in me and my teaching. When I write that tears come to my eyes; I have struck a cord. I suppose I have always been well supported back home, ridiculously praised by mentors and experienced teachers (thank you Nikah, Linda, Nancy, Warnie, Val, Kristin, Lorraine, Joanne, Linda V). I think they confirmed what I had hoped about myself all along; I have a gift. I have not had enough time to seal that deal inside myself, before the winds changed. I worry that I will not develop and grow as a teacher this year. I want to be lead by the needs of the children, not by the "Korean way" or what is politically correct.

Sometimes I feel as though I come from another planet. I saw the tale end of two boys fighting the other day and I was so concerned. I saw one of the boys and he had a big scratch on his face and he was crying. It was heartbreaking. I tried to console him, but he just wanted to get away. I worried about him all afternoon and tried looking for him to no avail. Other teachers did not seem too concerned. Once a girl was crying right outside one of the English teacher's door and she simply ignored her, even after I asked if she thought everything was alright. In the classroom, I always think about the student's self esteem, about building it up, where as the Korean teacher seems unaware and oftentimes does things I don't agree with.

There are many things on my mind this week: My family,how will I last a year without seeing them? Why exactly am I in Korea?, What do I want to achieve this year?, just to mention a few.
I will just have to remind myself that I believe in me and see where this path takes me.